Bud:  Hi, this is Bud Case.  Dan Holford and I, the co-hosts of “A Work in Progress, Growing Up Human”, welcome you to this first episode.  This podcast aims at conversations that move us toward being fully human.  Looking at wholeness, we explore what someone created in the image of God, looks like, good, bad, and ugly. My friend Dan Holford and I will be blending our experiences in the fields of education, counseling, and recovery to facilitate that conversation. 

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The first part of today’s conversation will be about “Appearance Management”.  The second part will identify what it takes to refocus on healthy thinking and behaving.

So, Dan, when were you first introduced to that term? 

 Dan:  I first heard the term “appearance management” from Jeff VanVonderen (probably best known for his appearances on “Intervention” t.v. shows on A & E Network), at a recovery conference in the early 90’s. He applied it to the very common part of our human experience of subtly, or not so subtly,  presenting ourselves in the best light possible, when there is nothing authentic about our disclosures. We simply want to look good. Or maybe, not look bad. 

   Several years ago I was having a conversation with a young mother. In addition to therapy, she’d begun attending  recovery meetings.  A mother of young children, one with special needs, and a history of abuse, she grew up in a fundamentalist, Pentecostal family. The frequent mantra in that type of family was  “be perfect as your Father in Heaven is perfect”. She was trying. Early on in one of the A.A. meetings she attended someone stated, “Jesus would rather have my real s^*t than my plastic flowers”. Her taking that to heart, so she could be honest about what she was really experiencing, was one of the most liberating experiences she’d ever had. Life doesn't have to be about looking good. It becomes a “work in progress” rather than a performance. That is the foundation for this podcast.  The term perfect in the quote from Matthew’s Biblical narrative means moving toward wholeness and well-being. It fosters a process of becoming more and more real about who we were created to be. That becomes a risky adventure of finding a community where we can disclose our “good, bad, and ugly” in safe ways. 

  Now family expectations can fight against that stance. How we’re supposed to conform to the family appearance management rules is powerful.  (We’ll be doing several sessions regarding commonly recognized rules of dysfunctional families in upcoming podcasts. The rules include not talking about incongruity in the family, not having unpleasant feelings, not questioning authority, and as a result not trusting). Since we learn most of these often unspoken rules and expectations early in our development, they’re deeply entrenched for most of us by school age. We are often not aware of what is having an impact on us. 

 Dan:  Bud, you and I have gone through efforts to measure up to our cultural, subcultural, family expectations. What are some of the messages you received growing up that encouraged you to present your plastic flowers?

 Bud:  It took a while in recovery meetings and therapy to realize that was what I had been giving God, plastic flowers, because it all looked so “holy”.  In my home I was expected in church every time the doors opened.  That meant Sunday AM and PM, Wednesday PM prayer meeting, Friday PM youth rally and then there were the “revivals”, every night all week for 2-3 weeks!  As Pentecostals that meant going past midnight!   Once in Cuba at age 10, Dad preached every night for 13 weeks solid!  

Then there were the jobs, singing in the choir, teaching Sunday School, witnessing or evangelizing door-to-door, tithing and giving “till it hurt” to mention a few.  Other jobs were less obvious, every day Bible reading and prayer, memorizing Scripture, praying before meals for example.  We always had to do our duty, do the right thing (as defined by someone else that it was assumed God told.  We had to say the right things, never lie, always tell the truth, never swear even in court.  We were to “Affirm”...  Heaven forbid if we listened to or laughed at off-color jokes, to say nothing about telling them!

Then there is the list of don’ts.  Don’t smoke, don’t drink alcohol, don’t dance or even attend, don’t go to football games and especially don’t go to a church other than one’s denomination.  I couldn’t even be angry nor for that matter be too happy either.  I should never say “No” when asked to “volunteer” at church and never question church leaders, pastors, overseers.  We had to ignore our feelings, all feelings. And did I say we had to look the right way?  Only “church clothes” to go to church and don’t wear shorts, girls wore dresses until the 80’s when pants were allowed for them.

These things made me stand out in school as an object of ridicule and criticism.  It felt like I had a target on my back but I was told that that made me a witness for Jesus.  It was a Holiness Badge or something.

Dan:  My family’s rules were more implicit than yours but followed pretty closely. They were packed with shame.  I brought notes from home each elementary school year indicating I wasn’t supposed to participate in square dancing in p.e.. Apparently  movie theaters and bowling alleys were dens of iniquity. I had my mouth washed out on several occasions for saying such offensive things as “shoot” or “shut up” No euphemisms allowed at our house. Soap and pepper were applied orally a time or two to remind me of that rule. Somehow the appearance management/plastic flowers were also supposed to smell good.  To love more deeply, exercise justice more thoroughly, give more generously to others, to display compassion to the compulsive, were concepts that I don’t remember having been encouraged in or even had explained. It is sad to identify that so many compulsive and addictive behaviors (socially acceptable like work addiction  or unacceptable like drugs/alcohol or porn addiction) get their start in people hiding behind those plastic flowers. I guess a lot of religious folks don’t truly believe “the truth will set you free.” 

So many people remain in hiding with their struggles until it’s way past a struggle.. Let’s look just briefly at some statistics: CDC identified in 2023 the greatest number of people to die in one year  from suicide ever (50,000 people).  From Rape, Abuse, Incest Network: 60,000+ children have been molested annually since 2016, over 433,000+ Americans 12 or older were sexually assaulted or raped in the past year; NIH reports close to 30% of 18 to 25 year olds binge drank in the last month; close to 24% of 18 to 25 year olds have had an illicit drug use disorder;  PornHub website reported 100 million daily visits in 2023. These statistics indicate there is a whole lot of pain present in our lives. 

      Healing from these issues comes in the process of telling the truth. On our podcast we will break a few family and systems’ rules, those which discourage looking at our unhealthy choices, in our efforts to explore what telling the truth might look like.  We’ll also encourage application of Dr. John Gottman’s research, at the University of Washington over the last several decades, regarding expressing five affirming statements to every one negative or critical one in our relationships. Sadly, there are a minority of people who experience that ratio.  

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Dan:   We want to segue here to identify what it takes to refocus on healthy thinking and behaving. 

The practical application of the Gottman principles is something we can do regularly and without complication. Self disclosure, telling stories, and affirmations foster our psychological well being. These come from

 “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert” by John Gottman.

    Expressing our appreciation for efforts made by family and others, kindness shown, and/or the impact of another’s sharing with us, discloses how we’re benefiting from these acts. These expressions are often a part of the 5 to 1 ratio of positive qualities that are so helpful to ourselves and others, versus negative or critical ones..  It frequently sets the tone for the depth of conversation. Bud and I have been a part of a men’s group since the early 2000’s. (AD)  All of us in the group know each other’s good, bad, and ugly. The self-disclosure, though often initially shame producing because of past experiences, paradoxically has reduced our carried shame. (That concept was first described to me by Pia Mellody at a conference I attended. We say something innocently as a child that a parent reacts to harshly because it is embarrassing to them, that reaction is typically shame motivated).  Parents and family, usually unintentionally, often hand each of us their shame feelings that they’re not aware of having. (Sexuality is one example of this. The struggle to explain the emotional  and physical connection of sexual union with children is a common challenge for parents. The fact that it is deeply personal is one element in that discomfort. The other is there is frequently so much shame that has become a part of the mix), The self-disclosure of this shame in a safe place frees us emotionally. Ideally our engaging in personal therapy is to give us practice in a context of unconditional positive regard, empathy, and congruence (thanks Carl Rogers). It’s especially gratifying to have those three elements experienced in our day to day sharing with friends in community. (Some of you may want to listen to this section again due to shames tendency to encourage hiding). 

   One of my favorite Gottman’s exercises is a 20 Questions game. Pleasant and unpleasant experiences from counselees’ lives becomes a way for people to share elements of their stories. Questions like, “I can tell you in detail my first impressions of my partner” or “I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams”, reveal beautiful stories. The internal narrative when shared out loud often helps us clarify critical self-talk we’ve not been hearing. While preparing this podcast I was reminded of being at a family reunion with all of my cousins from the Anderson side of the family. We were sitting across the street from my grandparent’s home at a park. Our grandfather had been employed by the city of Tacoma and was instrumental in the development of that park. All of the cousins had spent joyful times playing there as we grew up. As we were reminiscing, my oldest brother, Darrell, made a statement, “we don’t know why Dan doesn’t talk much”.  To that point in time I chalked that trait up to being introspective. My oldest cousin immediately quipped, “ you guys (my two older brothers and dad) always told Danny to be quiet”. My life flashed in front of my eyes as I viscerally felt that. I actually had been a bit of a chatterbox in elementary school with classmates I’d been with since Kindergarten). My fourth grade teacher got mad at me one day, lifted me off the floor and with intensity told me, with my feet dangling in the air, “I told you to be quiet”. That paralleled my hearing the same message at home. After returning from the family reunion I was sitting in a staff meeting. It dawned on me that I didn’t initiate offering information or perspective in staff meetings, as I would wait until I was specifically asked for my take on issues.  The narrative had stuck. 

  My son has a family ritual at dinner time  asking, “what was the best part of your day, the hardest part of your day, and what is something that made you laugh?” The story telling fosters emotional connection. My dad’s telling stories of his riding the range as a teenager kept me sitting fairly quietly while he cut my hair as a young boy. Years ago, when our residence life directors at the University of LaVerne took a new student team out to the wilderness to build connections for the coming year, I invited them to share the significant events in their lives that had shaped them as a person. One student’s description of his parents' struggle to conceive was profound in underscoring how special he felt to even be alive. Those stories were felt as holy moments  and helped meld them into a supportive group. The vulnerable stories expressed in the community group my wife and I are a part of feel the same way. 

Dan: Bud, share about your experience on the Substance Abuse Leadership Team retreat when we did the ‘strength bombardment exercise’.  

Bud:  Dan, that was one of the most impactful exercises I’ve ever participated in.  We had spent Friday night and all day Saturday together working on both the First Step Program but also on our own issues, learning from each other. You lead us in group activities to help us grow together as a team.  We each got to share our strengths and learn to trust others on the team as we developed solutions.  So on Sunday morning as we were wrapping up you asked us to take small scraps of paper and write the names of all the participants and write something that you like about them or a strength you had seen during the training.  Then as they sat in the middle of the circle we would in  turn stand in front of them, read what we had written about them to their face and then we handed the person the slip of paper with what we had just affirmed in them.  I remember long after that workshop I carried those affirmations with me and at least once a day pulled them out and read them out loud to myself.  Those papers became worn with use but the glow never faded.

Dan:  I’ve never forgotten asking one of the participants at a codependency retreat what the highlight was for her.  She said hearing people express appreciation and value to her during that same exercise (interestingly I take about three minutes total to have people share other participants' strengths. The recipients usually are overwhelmed). In her case she identified she couldn’t remember anything specifically anyone said to her. It just felt great. After talking with a number of participants about their similar experience of not remembering the positive thoughts shared about them, I came to believe shame was again playing a role. 

Bud:  So Dan, how do we use the positive power of the affirmation to counteract shame?  Is there a way we can make affirmations stick around?  

Dan:  By repeating healthy affirmations we’re fundamentally wiring our brain physiologically by putting new neural pathways into place. Daniel Siegel in his work at UCLA has done important research in Interpersonal Neurobiology on the domains of the brain. It’s fascinating to also hear Curt Thompson on his “Being Known” Podcast discuss the importance of understanding the application of the domains and how those neural connections convey information. With that foundation in mind, affirmations are a cognitive practice of deliberately replacing harmful negative self-talk (some of which is barely conscious) with more accurate statements. Statements made to us critically by caregivers in our early lives can easily become a framework we operate out of for years. When we learn to express valuing and affirming statements to ourselves (and others) fundamental physiological and emotional change occurs. This is not a Saturday Night Live sketch telling ourselves we’re wonderful.  It is acknowledging our adequacy and competence in areas of our lives that are important to us. That fosters better self-care, more emotional resilience, and our being a lot more fun to be around. 

Bud, you’ve used affirmations in your personal life, educational world and recovery settings. What have you observed when they are applied?

Bud:  Back in the 1980s on my job, right about the time I got into recovery, I received training and then trained as a trainer in a program by Lou and Diane Tice, “Investment in Excellence” of the Pacific Institute.  The Affirmation Process was one of a dozen or so tools designed to help one improve both on and off the job..  The more I applied the process to my work life I realized how powerful it could be in my personal, private and family life.  It even helped me understand the meaning of “Faith” from a spiritual standpoint.  The more I used affirmations the more I saw that it put legs on “Faith”,real change began inside me and then evidenced in my world.

Dan:  So Bud, can you give us some examples of affirmations that changed you so dramatically?

Bud:  To put it simply, I was seriously in trouble in so many areas of my life, I had no idea where to start to get better.  I felt as though I needed major emotional surgery, like a month away from all my responsibilities, with intensive therapy but I knew I could never afford to drop out of my life for a month to get my head straight.  At least that is what I believed at the time so I was determined to create as many features as possible of “emotional surgery” in place. I attended several 12 Step meetings a week, therapy with two therapists, one of them was a two-hour session, I read dozens of self-help books and magazines, attended several weekend recovery conferences and even published a 12 Step recovery newsletter.  But the single most important tool was the affirmation process.

For example, I wrote out about 30 affirmations to change aspects of my “stinkin’ thinkin’” and began reading them out loud to myself several times a day.  When I began to see the positive impact they were having in my life, I recorded them on a small recorder and then listened to them about 15 times a day, as I drove to and from work, when I was alone during the day and then in bed just before going to sleep at night. Here are some examples of affirmations in different areas of my life. I began to see success and changes in my life.

Success with my self-talk.

“I speak to myself with regard just like a good friend does.”

“My coworkers listen to my ideas because they are creative and progressive.”

“I spend time each day thinking about new and creative ways to address my challenges.”

Success with a coworker.

“I make time to talk with Art about our projects.”

“I hold Art in high regard and hold him to a higher standard.”

“I ask Art probing questions about his ideas and take him seriously.”

“I speak to Art with respect during management meetings and encourage others to listen to him as well.”

Success with affirmation of my regard for my children.

I”I choose to spend time with Christi on a regular basis.”

“I look for ways to engage positively with Joshua every day and ask him about his projects.”

“I respect Jason and demonstrate that as I listen to him without judgement.”

“I accept Jason with unconditional love and personal regard.”

I was quickly amazed how quickly it seemed that my family members were nicer to live with and cooperative.  What really was happening was I was changing into a healthier person, my attitudes began to shift from trying to make them change to focus on what I did to evoke resistance.  It changed my expectations from perfectionism to reality.  I began to see and deal with my anger and rage, I let them know that when I behaved out of anger I didn’t like myself and removed from the situation immediately to deal with the situation at a later time.  As I looked at what I truly have control of, me and my behavior, over time I became a better version of what God had intended for me.

Outtro

Dan:    We’ll be looking, this first season of podcasts, at such topics as: the five deepening  levels of human connection; what human pair bonding looks like, and its importance to truly intimate relationships; the necessity of experiencing what it is like to feel safe, valued and accepted as a foundation for our growth; and an interview with Pastor Scott Bosler from Visalia CA and his deep personal experience of loss and grief.  Being “a work in progress” keeps us benefiting from the ups and downs of life’s experiences. Bud and I operate from a comment the first century preacher named Paul made, “He who has begun a good work in you will bring it to completion”. 

We’re anticipating the exploration of these topics will encourage and enhance your personal growth. We hope you’ll find ways to deepen your relationships, inviting friends and family into conversations about the podcasts. Please feel free to email questions or comments to danandbud.12@gmail.com. Special thanks to Bryan Edward Duncan for his song “We All Need” from his album “Lunatic Confessions of an Anonymous Friend”. You can follow him on Facebook and subscribe to his podcast, “Nutshell Sermons”.

We would love to see this podcast help you move to more honest ownership of what you’re experiencing, so you can better understand  how Truth will set you free. 

Again, please do us a favor and hit SUBSCRIBE so you will be notified of future episodes.